Witchcraft and WizardNny
by Lucia Di Lammermoor
Summary: Nny gets the Defense Against the Dark Arts job at Hogwarts! forgive the pun in the title please, rating may change. Oh,yes. There will be blood.
1. Chapter 1

I just wanted to make a fic with the worst possible DADA :)

* * *

Harry, Hermione, and Ron walked into the grand hall, and they were talking about the new DADA teacher. Ron and Harry had heard nothing but horror stories about him. Hermione sighed. "That can't be true. They wouldn't hire someone like that. It's pure rubbish." After they sat down Dumbledore tapped his wand against the podium, and the crowd feel silent. The first new student went up to be sorted.

After all the first years were sorted, it was time to reveal the new teacher "I'd like to introduce you to the new defense against the dark arts teacher, Mr.C!" Professor Dumbledore gestured towards an empty seat. After a moment of silence, the doors to the hall flew open, and Nny walked in, looking really angry, due to an argument with Psycho D-Boy. He stalked down to the teacher's table, glaring at any students that fell within his sight range. After he sat down at the table, everyone stared at him, even when Dumbledore started his speech again.

* * *

Replaced the chapter. Fixed any mistakes. R&R, no flames 


	2. Chapter 2

Silence again hung in the air as the students stared at the teo Styrofoam figures in the front of the room, and a dead bunny nailed to the wall. Nny emerged from his office, carrying a book called 'Transporting sealed monsters past airport security' He waved at everyone. "Hi!" Nny scratched his name into the chalk board, most likely causing permanent damage, Johnny C. Malfoy was whispering and snickering with his friends, and Nny stared at them. Walking over to their desk, he slammed the tome onto their desk, startling them. Eye twitching, he quietly said "Mocking people, especially your teacher, is rude. Consider this your last warning." Malfoy sneered. Ignoring him, Nny went to the front of the room. "NOW, you will all learn about moose." Hermione, Ron and Harry looked at each other. Malfoy raised his hand. Nny glared at him. "Yes, student-person?" Malfoy said mockingly "Moose? We're learning about _moose_? What are your qualifications?" Nny darted over to Malfoy's desk, pulled a knife out, and slammed it into Malfoy's desk. "Insubordination! Be silent!" Malfoy, along with the rest of the class, looked on in horror. "Do you know who my father is?" Nny shook his head, and continued his speech, "On with the lesson! Moose are monsters that live inside walls! They can only be contained by putting a coat of wet blood on their wall; you must never let it dry. Never! Oh, it's time to go. Bye kids!" Nny happily waved goodbye, an insane grin plastered on his face.

………

After classes, the trio went to Haggred's cottage. Hermione started. "Haggred! Our new DADA teacher is insane!" "Completely mental!" chimed Ron. Haggred sighed. "Dumbledore wanted a teacher who wanted who wouldn't be influensed by you-know-who, like previous teachers have. Now get back to the castle before dark."

Harry, Hermione, and Ron Decided: This wouldn't end well.

* * *

Okay: I lied, NEXT chapter will be longer. And better. R&R, you know the drill. 


	3. Chapter 3

You can just skip this and go onto the story. The reason this took too long was I wasn't feeling that well. But I recently felt motivated to write this chapter. It will get better. I have this awesome story planned out in my head, and I think you guys will like it!

* * *

Harry and Ron sat in the great hall, waiting for Hermione. It was morning, and they were talking about a new nimbus broom. Hermione sighed sadly as she sat down. Ron asked "What's wrong, Hermione?" She looked at her two friends. "That teacher is insane. No real teaching has happened in the last week. I've been teaching myself." Ron scoffed. "As if you didn't do that anyway. At least Mr. C is entertaining, I have to give him that." Hermione frowned. Harry said "Ron, if he's mentally ill, you shouldn't make fun of him." Hermione piped up. "Why would Professor Dumbledore hire a loony?" Harry shrugged. Just then it was time to go to class. 

…

Johnny Smiled at the class. A few students squirmed in their seats. The manic look in his eyes frightened didn't sit well with the students. At all.

Nny picked up a large butcher knife off of his desk. Many student's eyes bulged out of their heads. Harry, Ron, and Hermione all glanced at each other.

"Class, I'll assume you aren't all stuttering idiots-"

A glance from Nny over at Malfoy

"-and assume that you all know what this is. Now, I want to ask you a question, class. What is this used for?"

Hermione quickly raised her hand. Nny pointed to her. "Yes, Hermione?" She seemed to try to shrink into her seat, obviously rethinking raising her hand. "For cutting spell ingredients?" Malfoy, who was leaning back in his seat quietly commented for his loyal minion's amusement "More like cutting wrists." They proceeded to have a good yuk about it. Nny's bullshit detector immediately went off the charts. "Care to repeat that little comment, Malfoy?" Malfoy shot his hands up. "What? I wasn't talking!" Nny scowled. "One hundred points from Siltherin." Malfoy's, as well as all of the other Siltherin's, mouths dropped down. Nny smirked. "Feel free to thank Malfoy after class." The Siltherins all glared at Malfoy, and directed their attention towards the front of the class, still rather angry. Nny turned his attention to Hermione. "Now, back to your answer. Not the right answer, but creative. Any others?" Nny suddenly turned his attention towards the rotting bunny he nailed to the wall, then at the clock that was also on the wall. He nodded. "Oh, okay, NailBunny." He turned around. "Time to go, class… But don't worry! I have plenty of fun lessons!" Hermione and Ron quickly got up and left, waiting by the door for Harry. Harry lingered as he saw Nny creeping up on Malfoy, who was already starting to strut out. "Malfoy, wait." He turned around to face Nny. "What?" Nny said "Ten more points from Slytherin." Malfoy got an angry look on his face. "Why?!" Nny shrugged. "I just don't like you. Bye now." Malfoy stalked away, grumbling the whole time. Harry smiled. Nny looked over at Harry and smiled back. "Go to your next class, Harry. Don't want to be late, now do you?" Harry Hurried off and headed to class with his friends, telling them of how Nny treated Malfoy.

* * *

Do you like it? I was thinking of putting dear little Squee in the next chapter or so. Yes? No? And thank you for your kind reviews!  



	4. Chapter 4

Please read this before you read this chapter. I've decided that this takes place after the JTHM series, on Nny's Vacation. The reason why the doughboys and Nailbunny are around? They're more fun to write than Reverend Meat and Samsa. I've got nothing against them, but they're boooring. I'll be writing other crossovers after this one with Nny while he's trying to become cold.

* * *

Harry had been on his way to the library, when he heard a familiar voice shriek insults, arguing with a calm, patient voice. He walked closer to the enormous sculpture that marked the entrance to Professor Dumbledore's office. Then he heard a loud THUNK and silence. The stairs came up and Nny stalked down, a look of fury that made a cold shiver of fright run through Harry. He walked down the hall towards the courtyard, lugging an enormous black book, which had spidery silver writing on the side Harry couldn't make out. He found a deserted bench near a large tree and sat down on the end of it. Harry debated whether to enquire about what went on in Dumbledore's office with the new, odd professor, or Dumbledore. He looked down and saw a small child with dark hair and a ratty teddy bear sticking out of his pocket nervously looking down at the ground and glancing at Johnny at the same time, as if he were looking something terrifying. Harry asked "Need help looking for something?" The child looked up at Harry and his eyes got huge. He squealed and ran off. 

"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Harry shook his head and muttered "First years…" His attention was then directed toward Johnny, who had started reading his book when a popular girl stood from a distance, looking at Johnny, whispering to her like-minded idiotic friends and laughing. Harry frowned. At least this was her last year. Johnny looked up and glared at them. They walked away laughing, having lost interest. Harry walked over and sat on the other end of the bench, waiting until Johnny stopped talking and muttering to himself. "What are you reading, Professor C?" He slammed the book shut. "IF YOU MUST KNOW… I'm reading about Defense against the dark arts. I apparently have to know some." Harry was dumbfounded, and taken aback by Johnny's change in moods. The lessons so far that year had been somewhat strange, and had nothing to do with magic. This explained it. Hermione had threatened to report the professor while with her friends, and it looked like she had carried her threat out. "You don't know Defense against the Dark Arts? No offense, but how were you hired, Professor?" Nny sighed. "You wanted to know why the Dumblydore guy hired me? First, stop calling me Professor. You're okay, so call me Nny. Stop by my office later, you have to go to class now, though, and I guess I'm late for mine. I think I was supposed to be there four minutes ago. Bye!" Nny grinned like a madman and waved. Harry sat there for a second and slowly got up, and walked away. When he glanced back, Nny was still waving.

…

Hermione and Ron couldn't believe what Harry said. "What? I'm just going to find out more about him. That's all." Hermione shook her head. "He may be dangerous, I know you've gotten along well with most previous Defense against the Dark Arts teachers, but I just don't trust him." Ron had a disappointed look on his face. "Hermione, what did you have to go and report him for? Class was the most fun since Lupin taught…" They all were quiet for a minute. Harry spoke up. "If anything should happen, you'll know where I last was, ok?" Hermione bit her lip. Ron said "I guess you're right. Just be careful, and don't forget to bring your wand for protection in case he gets weird, okay?" Harry nodded, and walked off, leaving his friends watching his retreating back.

…

Harry stood outside Nny's office, trying to muster up all of his courage to open the door. Suddenly he heard Nny arguing with someone. Harry put his ear up to the door and listened…

* * *

I've Put Squee in! Yay! He'll be in it more later. There will also be an explaination as to why he's there. R&R please, nice reviews encourage me to write faster ;) 


	5. Chapter 5

Hey! Sorry this took such a long time... I made a chapter (slightly different than this) but my computer crashed and I lost the chapter. I was so angry I put off writing it again for a while. I hope you like this. I've decided to make it so Nny is just talking and arguing with himself... It doesn't make much sense for Mr. Eff ,Psycho D-Boy, or Nail Bunny to still be hanging around, would it? And Reverend Meat and Mr. Samsa are in America. I'm thinking of doing a Clockwork Orange cross-over after this. I mean, Nny's in England anyway, so why not, lol? I suppose this could be viewed as an alternate 6th-year, since I want Luna Lovegood to be in it later. I really want to write her in with Nny, it'll be funny!

* * *

As soon as Harry put his ear up to the door, the arguing stopped. The door opened and Harry fell forward, falling on his face on the cold, hard stone floor. He looked up and saw Nny staring down at him.

Harry picked himself up. "Profe-, I mean, Nny, remember you wanted to talk to me?" Nny seemed to think very carefully. "Oh, yeah! You must be curious about my little spat with Dumbledore." Harry nodded eagerly. "Well, he wasn't too happy about my lessons." "Why not?" Harry asked, a little sarcastic. Nny shrugged. "Beats me."

Harry looked around the office.

There were random nails pounded into the stone walls, and movie posters taped up. Harry wondered why they weren't just nailed up. They were mostly American horror movie posters. He recognized some, but others escaped his recognition.

After staring at a poster with a picture of a strange man and 'EraserHead' written over his odd hair, he looked at the far wall. Harry gasped a little.

It was covered in…blood?

"That's not blood, it's just, um, paint. Yeah, that's it." Nny quickly said. Nny quickly elaborated on his lie seeing how Harry didn't look convinced. "Some leprechauns were hired to paint it, but they can't paint at all!" Harry stared at Nny in disbelief. "There are leprechauns?" Nny looked shocked. "You mean there aren't?" Harry replied "No…" Nny looked sad at that and looked at the ground. Harry felt guilty, and wondered if he should have lied.

Nny suddenly spoke up. "Your little big-brained friend is good at magic, right?" Harry nodded, somewhat disturbed by Nny's mood swings. "Would you ask her to show me how to cast spells? I'll give her extra credit!" "That's and offer she won't refuse." said Harry, thinking how much Hermione loved getting the highest possible grades.

"Great!" said Nny. "When should she meet with you?" Harry inquired. Nny thought for a few seconds. "Tell her to meet me in my office during detention."

…

"You what?" screeched Hermione. "I thought you'd like extra credit!" Harry replied. Hermione seemed very upset, and Harry didn't really blame her. "Why did you just agree without asking me?! He scares me!" "He scares me too!" Harry loudly agreed. Hermione calmed down and they both stood in silence. "I'll go if you and Ron go too." Hermione said. Harry nodded. "Alright, I'll bring Ron with me and meet you outside the classroom." Hermione sighed wearily. "Alright. I'll do it." She said.

…

The next day after classes, Harry and Ron walked up to Hermione.

"Finally! You're here!" She said, sounding very relieved. Ron and Harry greeted her and they stood outside of the door for a moment, and pushed it open.

Their eyes got wide.

The classroom was packed with students from all of the houses. Every wisecracker, trouble maker, and jerk was there, with Nny seated at his desk a the front of the room. Everyone in the class turned around and glared at the three wizards as they walked down the aisle. Ron waved at his twin brothers, who were seated in the middle of the class. At the front of the class was Draco. He looked like he bit into a bitter lemon when he saw them. Nny waved at the three.

"Hi! Wait in my office until detention is over, please." Suddenly Nny's head snapped to the side as he leapt onto his desk, knocking papers onto the floor. "YOU! YOU THERE, MALFOY! SPIT OUT THAT GUM THIS INSTANT! TEN POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN EVERY SECOND YOU HAVE THAT IN YOUR STINKING MOUTH! TEN, TWENTY…" Hermione, Harry, and Ron rushed into his office, afraid they would instigate his wrath.

Ron started smiling and laughing when the door was closed. "Bloody hell, our Professor is brilliant! At this rate, Slytherin will lose!" Hermione shook her head. "Is that all you ever think of?" Ron looked vaguely offended. "No! I think of plenty of things." Hermione rolled her eyes and looked at the far end of the wall. "What… What is that?"

Harry replied "Paint, apparently." Ron looked like he was going to puke. "That's not paint…" Hermione said, but Nny slammed the door open and walked in, cutting her sentence short. He had a happy smile on his face. "Ah, how I love making nasty students staying in detention!" Hermione nervously glanced at Harry and Ron. "Let's begin your lesson, Professor C. How much do you know about magic?" Hermione asked, taking her wand out of her pocket.

Nny instantly replied "I know some card tricks." Hermione's eyes got wide. "Oh! We should start simple, with maybe the wingardium leviousa spell, and work our way up to the patronus charm! Oh, and maybe…" Ron sighed and flopped down on a chair. Harry glanced at the clock as he pulled out a wand.

* * *

R&R please, thank you for your kind reviews! They encourage me to write faster, and really brighten up my day! 


	6. Chapter 6

Sup? It's been soooooo long! I'll try to write faster. Anyway, I'm going to try to conclude this in a few chapters. Then I'm going to write two more JTHM cross-over fictions taking place in England, and another in Venice. A Clockwork Orange, and the other two will be surprises. :)

* * *

Hermione sat down after four hours of attempting to teach Nny magic. "What spell are you casting now?" Nny asked inquisitively. Ron shot Harry a 'Are you kidding me?' look. Hermione sighed. "No spell." Nny raised an eyebrow. "Then why are you sitting on the ground?"

"I'm tired! Four hours and you haven't been able to cast a single spell!" Nny shrugged, visibly annoyed. "I don't see why they aren't satisfied with the fucking card trick." Nny glanced all around the room and put a hand to the side of his mouth and whispered to the young wizards. "Between you guys and me, I don't really believe in this witchcraft and wizardry crap."

Harry, Hermione, and Ron's jaws all dropped. "What about the moving, talking paintings and floating candles in the ceilings?" he asked dumbfounded. Nny gasped "You mean you can see them too?" Ron's eyes nearly popped out of his head. He snapped, "Are you a bloody moron?!" before he could stop himself.

His hands flew to his mouth as if he were trying to keep the insult from coming out too late. Nny froze. His concerned, nervous expression quickly twisted into one of fury. Everyone in the room cringed slightly. He started to hiss out his words "Do you even REALIZE what you just said, you hypocritical shit? Do you realize? Here you guys are, bitching about what a jerk Malfoy is, and here you are, insulting and questioning my mental stability! I'm of a mind to show you the door!"

He started to the office door, and slammed it open. He pointed towards the far end of the classroom towards the door. "OUT." Nny firmly stated in a voice not even You-Know-Who would dare disobey.

They trudged out, and Nny slammed the door behind them. As they walked off Hermione spoke up. "At first I thought he was acting and that Hogwarts wouldn't hire someone like him, but he's mad. Completely mad."

…..

The next day Ron and Harry met Hermione in the Gryffindor lounge room. Hermione had a pile of thick books stacked in her arms. "I can't go to breakfast with you, I have to study in the library." Ron and Harry nodded. The three of them left the room. Harry took a few books for Hermione on the switching stairs and returned them when the parted ways.

Harry and Ron made their way to the Gryffindor table when Ron stopped dead in his tracks. Harry stopped as well, with a questioning look at his friend. Ron silently pointed at the Ravenclaw area, where Harry saw Luna Lovegood and Nny across from each other talking. He couldn't help but notice how people had abandoned that particular side of the table, and were going out of their way to not even walk near them.

Harry started towards their table and stopped after a few steps and said "C'mon, Ron." Ron quickly shook his head. "One loony at a time is all I can handle, Harry." Harry ignored the rude comment and continued his way to the table. Luna and Nny seemed to be deep in debate, and Harry could hear what they were saying after he got closer.

"… So then the Aliens started coming to my neighborhood! Every Tuesday! Why, if it weren't for the tin foil I put on my roof and covered with ply-wood, those bastards would just barge in whenever they felt like it!" Luna nodded, as if it made perfect sense.

Luna turned around and smiled. "Good morning, Harry." She said. Nny Nodded. "Good morning." Said Nny. Harry sat down. "Nny was giving me advice on how to keep aliens at bay." she commented. Harry was unsure of what to say for a few seconds. "I don't like them." He finally decided to say. Nny sighed as he looked at an invisible watch. "Well, I best be going. My first class of the day started ten minutes ago. Seeya."

He got up and left, sending a few students scattering to get away from him, and the few Goth kids in the school sending words of praise to the insane teacher.

* * *

Good? Bad? Review and let me know what you think. No flaming, but constructive criticism is always welcome. 


End file.
